My Journey Through Depersonalisation

Hello there, to all those that come across my blog.

The purpose of this blog is to document and to help others out there suffering from Depersonalisation Disorder, or DP as its commonly referred.  I started drafting this blog around 3 months ago when my DP began.  I can honestly say that I am in a much better place and the DP is significantly improved.  While I still have a way to go, and while I have no idea how long this road is, I am going to be candid and share my entire story with you.  I hope my journey will help yours.  I must declare this is my personal story and if you feel the need, seek professional help.  I did and it worked for me!

Now, to the beginning:

I will start with my background.  I am 24 yr old female with no history of depression or anxiety.  In fact, I always prided myself on my ability to handle my emotions and myself well.  I had spent most of my late teenage years and into my early 20s in a happy relationship, had a great relationship with my family and held a great job in the legal industry.

My depersonalisation slowly started to be noticeable around 6 months ago, however I have recently dated my first episode to a few years ago.  The first time I ever experienced it was after recreational drug use, however this only happened a handful of times over a span of around 3 years.  I stopped touching any drugs (was only ever a recreational infrequent user) and continued to live my happy life unaffected by DP.

At the age of 21 I was diagnosed with melanoma.  This was incredibly traumatic and frightening, however I pulled myself through the shock and fear and cannot recall experiencing any DP episodes.  I was cleared of any cancer and moved on with my life.  This event baffles me as you would think that if I had a predisposition to Depersonalisation that it would have shown itself to me during this time.

Fast tracking 3 years, my DP escalated around the time I found myself having a 'quarter life crisis'.  I dub it this as I had my relationship of 4 years end, moved back home, partied and drank every weekend, contiki'd Europe, moved out of home the day I returned from Europe, continued partying, and then one day I 'woke up' I felt like I was over it all.  I realised then that I had spent almost a year procrastinating on dealing with the break up.  While I needed to go out and find myself, I found myself dealing with the break up a year later.  I acknowledged the break up but I felt like I had moved on with my life and I wonder whether these feelings of sadness were actually the start of my noticeably unstable inner emotions.  I began questioning everything about my current life and where I wanted to go, what I wanted to do, who I thought I was, who I thought I wanted to be.  I had never questioned these things so in-depth before, and with so much self doubt.  All of the things that I handled with ease and the people that I loved to be around, started to irritate me and effect me negatively.  I was not, and am still not, used to these kinds of reactions to things.

Now to get to the Depersonalisation.  The times i noticed it the most, and still do, is at work in my legal office.  Down there somewhere, beneath the DP, I love my job, the people I work with, the type of work I do, but the DP makes it almost unbearable.  I would feel like everything wasn't real.  I knew I was and I knew where I was, but I didn't feel like it was actually happening.  I would be walking to the photocopier and for a moment forget why or what I was supposed to be doing.  Not so much confusion, not so much memory loss, more disassociated with what I was doing.  I had lost synchronistic with my life.  There felt like there was no flow.  These feelings didn't cause any anxiety as they seemed to come and go, last a few hours and not seem to be that strong, somewhere between 50% DP at its worst to about 30%.  I now realise that I have probably lived with 10% for the last few months and most of the time not even noticing and therefore it not having any bearing on me.

1 particular episode changed my life to where I am currently in my journey through depersonalisation.  I was getting ready to go out at home for my friend's birthday.  I noticed that I had no association with what I was doing, I was merely putting on make-up as I did every single day. I felt completely displaced in my own bedroom.  This then spurred a panic attack and claustrophobia.  I should mention that I have never and have not since suffered claustrophobia, this was simply and added symptom of my panic attack.  I absolutely thought I was losing my mind.  I completely freaked out.  I managed to control myself and get back into about 50% DP.  This was a huge relief at the time.  However, I obviously could not go out that night.  The next day I was still suffering however I wanted to try and shake it all and try and be as normal as possible.  I went to the shops and had another intense episode.  I had it so bad I thought I was going to fall over and that the ground was slightly warped.  I felt like everyone was staring at me and could tell I was going crazy.  I was so alone and petrified.  I managed to talk myself out of it and relax myself enough to get myself to my car and wait until I felt well enough to drive.  Thank goodness it has never been that bad since.

The next day I went to the Dr.  My blood pressure was up, heart rate was up, showing all symptoms of anxiety and was prescribed Paroxetine (Paxil). I took a couple of days off work and went to my parent's house.  I was taking 1/2 tablet a day and found myself feeling nauseas but overall a little better.  Then insomnia started.  The side effects were so severe that I couldn't wait to stop the medication, I took it for  6 days. 2 days after I stopped the mediation I noticed that my sleeping was improving and I knew that the medication was simply not worth it.  My DP was improving.  I had fleeting moments of being 100% back to normal, although these didn't last long, it gave me hope.  Things stated to really look up.  I wasn't cured but I sure was feeling better.  I started to think that I didn't need the therapist anymore (I hadn't started seeing one yet, but I had been approved for the Government Mental Health Plan).  I was starting to not even think about the DP.  I was definitely not 100%, but things were looking up.  All it took was 1 bad day to relapse and then a deep relapse with heightened anxiety.  Everything was freaking me out again.  I knew how stupid it all was, but I couldn't help but feel the emotions swarm over me.  Every day for the next few days was a struggle.  Talking myself through everything I was doing, trying to google every little bit of information I could find.  I felt completely helpless and lost, while still having a sense, somewhat, of self.  It was an absolute mind fuck.

This is when the daily Google and Youtube-ing started. I would literally go to work and research and youtube Depersonalisation for hours each day.  While this helped to a degree, it only confirmed even more what I was going through and cemented me there.

After around 3-4 weeks of having the Depersonalisation, I began my therapy sessions.  I saw a Clinical Psychologist.  While he had a clinical understanding of DP, I feel like he didn't have a complete understanding of it.  I now understand why there are so many Drs that do not quite grasp this 'disorder', and I will get to that in my later posts.  However, I did learn a lot about anxiety and was taught to understand why our bodies activate this protection, ultimately for our survival.

I began to slowly act normal again.  While I was never 100% with it, or felt odd all of the time, I didn't let myself wallow and stay at home in bed.  While almost all of me wanted to do that, where I felt the safest, I knew that I had to prove to myself (or the part of my brain that was activating the DP) that my world was in fact safe and that it no longer needed to protect me.  While I was out and about with my friends etc, I wasn't able to enjoy myself like I used to, however, once I got home I would always be so glad I went. Creating memories other than those of the videos I had been watching all day was a huge plus.  This would prove even more so later on as I became to understand the 'disorder'.

By this time, I had moved back home.  This was extra hard for me as I had not lived at home in around 5 years, and home is an hour and a half from the city, where I work.  However, it was a necessary move to make (some reasons unrelated to the DP).  This provided me with a safe haven.  Somewhere I knew I could switch off at the end of the day and allow my mind the time it needed to wind down after work.  Mum's home cooked dinners are always a plus :)

Throughout the next month I was still suffering DP, and some days really strongly, however with this came days of respite also.  Not 100% relief but enough to have half an hour or so of not 'checking in' to see how I was, and even when I did there were many, many times that I would be pleasantly surprised by how good I felt.  Even though there were some bad days, some really bad days, and some average days, I was now starting to have good days.  This is when I knew I was on the right path, and the one that would lead me to recovery.